Lake

Until this year, the beach umbrella was my frenemy.

Fre because it protects me from the evil effects of the sun's rays. This ball of gas 90,000,000 miles away makes me sweat and burns my skin. I do wear sunscreen, but I don't trust it. Every second, the sun turns 5 million tons of hydrogen into energy, and I'm supposed to rely on a gooey cream with a child's butt on the label? Plus, I like to use a 30-spf, which supposedly means that 30 minutes with the cream off is the same as 1 minute with the cream on. Thus, if I arrive at the beach and wait 4 minutes before putting sunscreen on, I've wasted two hours of protection. My umbrella, on the other hand, opens in seconds.

Nemy because in places where there is sand to plant the umbrella, there is also wind to unplant the umbrella. If I turn my back, the umbrella will take off towards some unsuspecting family eating sand sandwiches, and I'll have to chase it down like a bad dog, wondering what's gotten into it today, usually it's such a good umbrella. As a result, I end up sitting next to it in a chair, with one hand always on the pole. I look pathetic.

No more, however, thanks to the 75%-off "Beach Umbrella Anchor" purchased at the Star Market -- $3.00! Brilliantly simple -- it has a bracket that goes around the pole, and three bags that you fill with sand to weigh the umbrella down. Since it was installed, I haven't had a single problem. And with zero hands on the pole instead of one, I look 50% less pathetic huddled under my umbrella.