Neighbor's Backyard

Another pot luck, this time without the rain.

People are always saying to me, "Todd, I always feel awkward at cocktail parties or pot lucks or whatever. Do you have any advice you can offer?"

In fact, I do. See, I too once felt awkward at informal social events. Who would I talk to? Who would want to talk to me? What would we talk about? Often, I have to make a mental crib list of topics to discuss with the woman who cuts my hair, so parties have been a source of anxiety for me.

Until I discovered the beauty of the Circle of Chairs. Many parties I have been to, in particular summer parties, have had this feature: there are a small number of chairs on the lawn formed in a circle.

My fool-proof advice: sit in one of those chairs, and don't leave it for any reason. There is one key to being able to do this. You have to be willing to ask someone to get your food for you. This can work if you do so in a funny way. Last night, I asked/demanded that the host's daughter get me food -- I'll be teaching her calculus next year, so we could joke as if she was kissing up to me. Even though she really was. It would be inappropriate for her to get me a beer, so I relied on the kindness of others. No problem there, the world has been trained to say, "Can I get you a beer?"

There are many advantages to approaching a party in this manner. Most critically, you avoid the cocktail-party-liar's-poker dynamic. This happens when you are in a conversation with one other person for a while, and then a third person comes along. There's a certain amount of time that must pass before either of the original two people can make an excuse to leave, and both people know this. So it becomes a game of chicken -- the first one to recognize that a polite amount of time has passed gets to move on, while the other person is then part of yet another one-on-one conversation.

When you're sitting among the Circle of Chairs, however, you're all set. There are always enough people who want to sit, and you're never trapped in a one-on-one conversation. Plus, you get to sit.

Please note: My fear of one-on-one conversations has nothing to do with my affection for the people involved. I am unable to simply have a conversation at a party. I'm always in meta-land, thinking about what questions I need to ask, what expression I should have on my face, what dramatic twists I need to add to my own stories, and so on. It's very stressful.

Whereas, in the chair circle, I can sit and listen to other people's conversation, and occasionally insert the random wisecrack. I am more comfortable doing this because I am shallow and awkward. It's not my fault, though. I blame television.